What I would’ve wanted to know before I had a baby
Ever since I played with dolls, I was fascinated by everything that being a mother means. My mother has always been at home with us since I was pretty young, because she had to give up work to take care of my DS (Down Syndrome) sister. I always liked how she used to organize her daily work and I also learned to love the order. I enjoyed cleaning the house in the evenings, with the lights on. Time didn’t change me. And life took me without realizing to such a job. I will write more about this in another post.
In life, however, you encounter several types of women: those who are experienced mothers, have at least one child and look back missing the first experiences with their little one; those who want to become mothers, just love the smell of a baby and dream about the moment when they will hold their own; and there are those women who do not want to have children, they will in no way have followers. This latter category seems to me a little weird, given that any woman should be born with her maternal instinct. Probably they lose it on the way.
I identified myself with the second category for a long time, becoming a mother after my 30’s. One of my greatest concerns was that I would not have patience with my child. I have never been a patient, calm person. I rarely had a small dose of optimism to keep me afloat. I would have liked to figure out how hard it is to be a mother away from home, family and friends.
Support is very important. If it’s missing, you can slip very easily into the arms of depression. It can happen no matter where you are. It is important to ask for help when you feel that you cannot handle that. The public health nurse told me a real story: a family friend and his wife finally had a child after years of trying and one day she, overwhelmed by depression, hearing the baby cry and without even realizing what he does, has caused her baby’s death. Her husband found them but was too late. Everywhere we hear stories like this, I don’t understand how this can happen. It’s something that surpasses us, something that is often not recognized as serious, something that is ignored to the point where we realize it’s too late. I cannot forget the news when an unfortunate accident reported that a pregnant mother, along with her three daughters, threw herself in front of the train. It happened in August 2017, Robert was only a month old. It happens nowadays, when nothing should surprise us. And yet … Sad, tragic ending! Let’s ask for help if we need it until it’s too late! We love our children, they came to our lives because we wanted them, they do not have to suffer.
I would have liked to know in advance that I would be mostly by myself in this adventure, at least to make an informed choice, to balance both circumstances and expectations. I thought everything would be good, that life with a child could only change for the better, that parents who so much desire a child can only be happy when the miracle happens. I met men who care for others’ children, I want to believe that they were the same with their ones. That made me hope it is Possible. But some fathers do not feel that call, the instinct to protect and strengthen the relationship. What struck me was so powerful that shot me down. Loneliness, sensitivity, all came to strengthen what I felt. The new status has come up with a lot of frustrations, more and more strivings, you wonder if that’s what you wanted. You have no way of finding out how your life will change with the arrival of a child, I know cases in which this situation has brought a lot more closeness, but also couples for which it was not a favorable moment.
Whatever it is, do not have expectations.
Now Robert is here, I enjoyed this from the first moment I saw him, I was just waiting to meet the one who turned my liver into a soccer ball. Still hitting with the same power and enthusiasm if I’m within his reach.
How feels life with baby for me? It’s mostly hard, I have no one next to me. I told you about the circumstances in which I was in another post, here. I certainly didn’t want to go through that.
Leaving aside the negativism with which I sometimes see things, I go forward, driven by the beautiful moments, there are many joys with every passing day. I’m glad of this period that won’t come back. Priorities change when you become a parent, you are a child again, you imitate your baby’s sounds, trying to communicate with him, maybe you understand, because you have already gone through this stage, so you know about them, you have them stored somewhere. You get into their wonderful world. It’s like a rain, when everything around looks new, fresh. Your life perspective is changing, now you realize how hard it was for your mother when she raised you up. You’re worried about everything. At the same time you see the beauty of every day, see only the life with baby in it.
Time is precious and never enough. Time for me? What is that? Maybe if I manage to sneak carefully when she sleeps. If I can take a shower every day feels like heaven. And yes, that’s the reality.
You also have responsibilities: as a mother, you are concerned about raising and caring for your child while giving yourself as a model.
I have a strange feeling: though it’s not what I expected, I would not give up anything that’s in my life now. Everything will pass, Robert will grow at a speed that I feel is already overcoming us, before I realize he will be on his own and then I’ll feel the true loneliness. I can not be optimistic about the future, when I will be a lot more alone than I am now. If the future decides to surprise me, he knows where to find me.